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Romantically Apocalyptic Script
Characters: Captain, Sniper, Pilot and Skeleton
Setting: The ruins of a building, in the break room of an office. A skeleton is seated at a table with a half eaten sandwich on it.   
-Water pipes can be heard leaking in the background along with the distant crowing of birds-
-Captain walks in and looks around. His hands are crossed behind his back, and his chin is lifted up as if he is conducting an inspection. Sniper and Pilot follow him into the break room. They make their way to the opposite side of the room. Captain slowly walks over to the table and sits next to the skeleton. He takes out a lunch box (preferably one brightly colored and new-looking) and leans back in his chair, as if exhausted. He speaks to the skeleton…        
Captain: Ah, rough day at work, eh?
-Pilot and Sniper stand behind Captain, though their faces are not shown, as the camera is solely focused on Captain (close-up). The shot is revoked and moved over to the skeleton (medium shot), which remains immobile.
Captain: Oh, I hear you buddy! But, still, I envy you nine to fivers. Always working hard for the boss. I am the boss in my little troop, but that doesn't mean I don't have to work hard too.
-Shot is on the skeleton for a moment (medium shot), and then is back on the Captain (medium shot). There is a silent moment, as Captain is "listening" to what the Skeleton has to say. He then laughs loudly, slapping his hands on his thighs and slightly rocking back and forth on his chair.
Captain: Ha ha! You've got that right!
-Pilot and Sniper are shown exchanging worried/confused looks (long shot). Focus goes back to Captain (medium shot) as he opens up his lunch box (humming while he does so), taking out a small juice box, an apple, a sandwich and a small gun all while making small talk about the weather. He grins over to the skeleton after he is finished unpacking.
Captain: Just the essentials.
-Captain (medium shot) unwraps his sandwich and takes a bite out of it. He grimaces in disgust and spits out the food onto Pilot's boot. He wipes his mouth and scrapes his tongue with his gloved fingers.
Captain: What is this crap?!
-He looks at Sniper and Pilot accusingly (medium shot). Sniper and Pilot both frown for a moment and then point to one another.
Sniper and Pilot, in unison: He made it!     
-Captain (close up or medium shot) rolls his eyes and turns back over to the skeleton knowingly.
Captain: I know! It's so hard to find good help these days!
-Captain (close up) turns over to Sniper and Pilot.
Captain: And you two! Didn't I say no mayo?! I was very specific! Bread slice, turkey, cheese, pickles, cheese, turkey, bread slice! (-He indicates the specific order by gesturing the arrangement with his hands: one moving on top of the other while he goes on with his list) (medium shot). I don't recall adding mayo in the order. I swear! How will you ever be ready for the Mutant War if you can't even follow my simple orders!
-Captain turns over to the skeleton.
Captain: Right?! And they can't even perform these simple little tasks. Its like, how am I supposed to get through the day? Ugh!
-Captain sighs then lifts up his apple (close up) and takes a huge bite out of it. Upon closer inspection, you can see the apple is old and brown and there are worms on the inside, living by the core. Sneering, Captain tosses the apple behind his back half-heartedly, hitting Sniper.     
Captain: What's a man to do in these living conditions? Can you believe what the world is coming to? Before, when it all ended, everything was fine and dandy. All the shops still had leftover food and all I had to do was take it. But now…now everything's a hassle.
-Captain slumps in his chair as his stomach grumbles (medium shot); he then notices the sandwich in front of the skeleton. He eyes it for a moment. Captain lifts up his hand slowly, two fingers up while the others are curled in, he signals for Pilot and Sniper to lean in closer to him. They do so and he whispers to them.
Captain: Guys, I don't think he'd notice if I took his sandwich.  
-Sniper and Pilot once again exchange looks. (close up) Captain continues…
Captain: Okay, here's the plan. I'm going to distract him for a minute, charming him with my wittiness, while you two sneak up behind him and slowly make your way to his sandwich.
Sniper: Uh, sir, I don't think that's really nessa-
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry, are you Captain?
Sniper: Well, no sir, but I think it would just be easier if-
Captain: Tell me, do you see this hat?
-Captain points to his head and Sniper answers reluctantly. (only Sniper and Captain are shown in medium shot/semi-close up)
Sniper: …Yes…
Captain: And do you know what it means to have this hat?
Sniper: …Yes…
Captain: Then why do you undermine my authority?
Sniper: Uhh…sir. You know you could just take the sandwich. He's not going to care.
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry for interrupting your ingenious plan, but could you lend me your gun for a second?
-Sniper hands over gun nervously. Captain takes gun, cocks it, and then shots three rounds onto the floor by Sniper's feet. (full shot) No shots hit its intended target. Captain hands gun back to Sniper. Sniper remains silent.
Captain: Well, I am glad we could have this open discussion with each other. It really makes me feel closer to you guys. And the next time you guys have a complaint with the way I run things, just be sure to write a Duty's Man complaint and file it in my office.
-Captain turns back to the skeleton cheerfully and continues talking ('So where were we…?') while Pilot turns back to Sniper and whispers. (medium shot)
Pilot: He has an office?
-Sniper shrugs. Captain snaps his fingers behind his back and Sniper and Pilot stand erect for a moment before stealthy making their way from behind Captain to the skeleton. Captain continues talking to the skeleton. He then pauses for a second, seeing his men are ready to attack.
Captain: Now!
-Captain leaps to grab the sandwich while Sniper wrestles down the skeleton and Pilot takes it into a choke hold. (full shot)
Captain: Retreat men! Retreat!
-Captain, Sniper and Pilot run of the room wildly, (full shot) grunting as they do so. A final shot is shown focusing on the skeleton that lies in the same position as Sniper and Pilot left him in.
-Captain, Sniper and Pilot are shown slowing down once outside of the building. They finally stop and Captain looks at the sandwich in his hand before taking a big bite. (full shot) Angrily he spits out the food on the floor.
Captain: Son of a bitch lied to me! He said there was no mayo in this thing!
End of Part One.
Script for Romantically Apocalyptic. First attempt at comedy, so all criticism is welcome. Um, obviously the artwork at the top belongs to the ingenious `alexiuss...and I think that's it. Enjoy.
EDIT: Thank you everyone for your nice comments, I'm glad to see that everyone has taken so well to this script. Hopefully it will be used.
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KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
i can't reply to your questions when you hide your comments. ;p

by "punchline" i meant the joke in Captain's final line!
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KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
sure thing! :)
oggyb Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
I love this idea. I don't see it as a first episode though. It's too involved and too charactery.

Also too dialoguey.

I dunno, the gag at the end is wonderful and there are some good lines and loads of potential for hilarity, but I think some refinement is needed. imho of course :)
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oggyb Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
Aye, the remit is 5 minutes, but I think everyone rather have a solid, awesome 3 minutes of concise comedy than 5 minutes of comedy-filler-sandwich.

Every script I've read so far misses the mark, so I'm not just picking on you! Good luck reworking this.

Simple = good. It's an internet viral after all. Attention spans are short.
The-DoomMaster Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
Perhaps only show the captains mouth, and keep his whole face hidden. Brilliant.
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
hahah! great punchline! :D
JarothC Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
awesomeness!! still checking the scripts before actually starting something on my own, for characters and continuity, also:

do you expect to have a coinsistent story or more like shorts that dont necesarilly have to relate to each other?
Galactusworldeater Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
very nice
XylidineGriffin Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
I dislike mayo as well! This will be epic!!!!
alexiuss Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
If you have MUSIC and SOUND ideas, include them in your script writeup so our sound team can start composing things!
wolf2 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
i hope we still can use the smileys that have been worked in to the comics. they are usually a great minuet emotion.
l1nk32167 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010  Hobbyist
this is totally the firs episode =D
And in the later episodes skeleton will still be there and the captain can still talk to him about the moon landing like in the comic. The plot would be: Captain meets him again, skeleton accuses him for stealing his sandwich, captain apologizes, talks about stuff with skeleton and kills him in the end (kicks off his head because skeleton calls him a bitch (or what was it in the comic?)
silencefreedom Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
nice, thanks man
Eliephy Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
This is fabulous! You certainly have a knack for writing. Kudos. It's always fun to see how strangely resourceful the Captain is. Even in a post-apocalyptic he manages to find the best quirky objects around. You worked it in quite wonderfully.
alexiuss Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
also what kind of gun are you visualizing the captain taking?
a hand held pistol or a sniper rifle?
Aborro Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I would see it as a slim and rather small handgun
alexiuss Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
aight, i got one
alexiuss Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010

hmmm... would the captain have to take off his mask for the biting?

perhaps he should try sucking everything with his straw? or try cutting things into a tiny pieces and then pushing it down the tube at the front?

anyway this is minor detail, this is pure awesome material.
l1nk32167 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010  Hobbyist
he should totally try to use a straw and choke for a second or two.
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Submitted on
February 7, 2010
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